Gaslighting describes a form of emotional abuse through manipulation where one person exerts power by diminishing another person’s ability to discern what’s real. It’s a tactic used to control another person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Gaslighting can also socially isolate a person, making them reliant on their abuser and causing them to stay in the harmful relationship.
When someone is on the receiving end of gaslighting, they start to doubt their emotional reactions, instincts, and memories. Over time, this can lead to questioning their sanity, resulting in significant distress.
Gaslighting Examples
To distort a person’s grasp of reality and exert control over them, many people who engage in gaslighting use phrases like:
- “You’re crazy.”
- “You should probably talk to a therapist about that; you’re really losing it.”
- “Are you sure that happened? I think you’re making that up.”
- “It’s all in your head.”
- “You’re too sensitive. I can’t believe you’re reacting like this; it’s totally over the top.”
- “I’ll wait for you to apologize to me for what you did; that was really messed up.”
- “You’re exaggerating; it wasn’t that bad.”
- “It’s like I can’t make any jokes around you. I was just joking, lighten up.”
The receiver of these problematic comments may begin to second-guess themselves and their memories, questioning what really happened, even if they have clear memories of the event. Experiencing gaslighting leads to feelings of confusion, shame, and hopelessness, and can cause difficulty in making simple decisions. People who experience gaslighting often sense something is wrong in their lives but can’t quite identify it, leading to a pervasive feeling of unhappiness.
Types of Gaslighting
Just like there are many different types of relationships where gaslighting can happen, there are different types of gaslighting. Here are five types of gaslighting that occurs in toxic relationships:
- Coercion. When coercion occurs, one partner engages in manipulation to control the other person in the relationship, usually through emotional or verbal abuse, specifically through threats or force. Coercion can also happen through gift giving or showering a partner with affection right after a fight.
- Blatant lying. Blatant lying is a common type of gaslighting that emphasizes one partner’s reality over the other partner’s — even though it’s a false reality. Sometimes, a lie that is only a few degrees away from the truth can be just as harmful as a blatant lie.
- Scapegoating. Scapegoating is the pattern of deflecting blame away from the partner seeking control and towards the other person. When scapegoating occurs, the receiver of gaslighting is blamed for things outside of their control.
- Reality questioning. This describes the manipulation tactic of making one person question what’s real and what they can believe. Once they start believing that they’re wrong — or that their grasp on reality is lacking — they then must rely on their partner to make sense of what’s happening, which can keep them in an abusive relationship.
- Trivializing. This is when one partner minimizes the other person’s feelings or understanding of an experience. They might be dismissive, especially when it comes to the successes or accomplishments of the other person, leaving them to feel insignificant and small.
What are the 10 Signs of Gaslighting?
Gaslighting can manifest in many ways, and it’s important to recognize the signs. Although some people who gaslight may not be fully aware of their behavior, it stems from their own insecurities or emotional discomfort and is a form of relationship abuse that is unacceptable.
Here are 10 signs that can help someone determine if they are experiencing gaslighting:
- Regularly tells small lies: Even if those lies are relatively inconsequential, it creates a pattern of deceit.
- Second guesses decisions: Makes the other person question their instincts and how they want to live their life.
- Turns concerns around: Takes the other person’s concerns and makes them about themselves.
- Isolates from social networks: Reduces interactions with friends and family members.
- Creates lose-lose conflicts: Makes every conflict a lose-lose situation, leading the other person to stop bringing up their needs or concerns.
- Changes the subject: Deflects or changes the subject even during important conversations.
- Minimizes emotions: Makes the other person feel empty and small by minimizing their emotions and leaving them with shame.
- Never apologizes: Refuses to apologize, even when they are clearly wrong.
- Uses love as a weapon: Says things like, “I only did that because I love you,” to manipulate.
- Downplays the other’s needs: Frequently brings up their own unmet needs while downplaying the other person’s needs.
Recognizing these signs is crucial for understanding and addressing gaslighting behavior in relationships.
How to Respond to Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a highly toxic relationship pattern that can have serious consequences. For many people, exiting the relationship is the healthiest step they can take. For others, there are ways to respond to gaslighting to limit its impacts and set boundaries.
Here are some strategies to respond to gaslighting:
- Strengthen Your Handle on Reality: Documenting your experiences can help affirm what is real. Taking screenshots, saving messages, or keeping a journal of events can provide you with evidence of what actually happened.
- Gain Perspective: Creating some distance between yourself and your partner can help you gain clarity. Spending time apart or discussing your situation with a trusted friend or therapist can provide valuable outside perspectives.
- Set Boundaries: Establishing boundaries with a partner who engages in gaslighting can be challenging, but it is crucial. Clearly define what behavior is unacceptable and stick to those boundaries. This can shift the power dynamics and contribute to a healthier, more balanced relationship.
Phrases to Shut Down Gaslighting
If you’re looking for ways to respond to harmful comments, here are some phrases that can help shut down gaslighting:
- “I remember things differently.”
- “That’s not how I see it.”
- “Let’s stick to the facts.”
- “I need some time to think about what you said.”
- “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way.”
- “I’m not going to discuss this right now.”
- “I need to take a break from this conversation.”
Using these strategies and phrases can help you maintain your sense of reality, set necessary boundaries, and respond to gaslighting in a way that protects your mental and emotional well-being.
Therapy to Help Navigate Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a highly impactful form of emotional abuse in relationships, and its aftermath can be detrimental to a person’s mental health. Talking to a mental health professional is an incredibly helpful step for those who have been on the receiving end of gaslighting, whether in the past or present. A therapist can provide an objective yet informed perspective on the relationship and help develop strategies to manage current relationship dynamics or cope with the consequences of past toxic relationship patterns.
It’s important for those who have experienced gaslighting to remember that it’s not their fault, and they aren’t responsible for what occurred in the relationship. In a world where connection to others is everything, unknowingly receiving gaslighting is not a fault in character. Being emotionally vulnerable is a huge part of what makes relationships worthwhile, and unfortunately, many people take advantage of that vulnerability for their own insecurities.
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