and Most of us have been hurt by others more than once. This, of course, creates a lot of pain, anger, and sadness. Then, being full of negative and painful feelings, we feel the need to blame the responsible ones.
These emotions can linger until we find the strength to forgive those who have hurt or betrayed us. Hence, why we speak of forgiveness.
Forgiveness, however, doesn’t entail forgetting the harm or pain we endured, nor does it require rebuilding the relationship with the offenders. Instead, forgiveness involves releasing resentment, anger, guilt, shame, and sadness, accepting the entire experience, and moving forward.
While forgiving others can be difficult, forgiving ourselves can prove to be even more challenging, This article explores the concept of self-forgiveness, delves into the reasons behind its difficulty, and offers tips for self-forgiveness.
Understanding Self-Forgiveness
Self-forgiveness encompasses forgiving ourselves for harming either our own well-being (intrapersonal self-forgiveness) or others (interpersonal self-forgiveness). Similar to forgiveness, self-forgiveness involves displaying self-compassion for oneself. This looks like consciously letting go of anger, guilt, and pain, finding inner peace, and learning from past mistakes.
Why Self-Forgiveness Is Hard
Often, our actions don’t align with our values. Sometimes we act in the wrong way according to us, we create a cognitive dissonance. That means, that because we acted against our ethical values, we feel an internal inconvenience and not satisfied with our side.
As a result, we need to do something to fix the situation. And since, it is impossible to delete our action and hard to forgive ourselves for the pain we provoked, it is easier to start punishing ourselves for it.
Even though you might desire to forgive yourself, the natural human tendency is to punish yourself. Unfortunately, harmful self-directed behaviors that happen consciously or unconsciously are hindering our self-forgiveness.
Most of us have been hurt by others several times. And, of course, this comes with a lot of pain, anger, and sadness. And then, being full of negative and painful feelings, we feel the need to blame the responsible ones.
Those feelings can haunt us until we manage to forgive the one who hurt/betrayed us. Forgiveness does not mean that we forget the harm and the pain we suffered or that we should rebuild the relationship with those that hurt us. Forgiveness means letting go of resentment, anger, guilt, shame, and sadness, accepting the whole experience and moving on.
Forgiving others can be quite challenging. But what happens when we are the problem? What if it is us that caused all the painful, guilty, hostile, and shameful feelings? According to research, it is much harder to forgive ourselves than the others.
Self-Forgiveness
“Self-forgiveness” can be about forgiving the self for harming the self (intrapersonal self-forgiveness) and about forgiving the self for harming someone else (interpersonal self-forgiveness). As with “forgiveness”, “self-forgiveness” means that we show compassion to ourselves, deliberately releasing the anger, guilt, and pain, reaching an internal sense of peace and learning from the previous mistakes.
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Why is it Hard to Forgive Ourselves?
Undoubtedly, many times we engage in actions that are not in line with our values. Every time we act in the wrong way according to us, we create a cognitive dissonance. That means, that because we acted against our ethical values, we feel an internal inconvenience and not satisfied with ourselves.
As a result, we need to do something to fix the situation. And since, it is impossible to delete our action and hard to forgive ourselves for the pain we provoked, it is easier to start punishing ourselves for it.
And I am definitely not saying that we enjoy it. Most of us, we really want to forgive ourselves and move on instead of punishing ourselves. But why do we get stuck in self-loathing? Why can’t we move on and let go of the anger and pain? Harmful self-directed behaviors that happen consciously or unconsciously are hindering our self-forgiveness.
Do You Engage in Negative Self-Talk?
Negative self-talk is a primary obstacle to self-forgiveness. After recognizing our wrongdoing, we engage in self-criticism and negative internal dialogue. For instance, if a student fails an exam due to inadequate preparation, feelings of guilt and anger surface, leading to thoughts such as, “Why can’t I be responsible for once? I’m always like this, a perpetual loser, a failure.”
Instead of focusing on rectifying the behavior and creating a plan for improvement, we continue to judge ourselves for the mistake, adopting an antagonistic attitude towards ourselves.
Do You Dwell on Your Mistakes?
Rumination is another hindrance to self-forgiveness. It involves repetitively dwelling on negative emotions, distress, and their causes and consequences.
When we fixate on our mistakes, replaying them in our minds, we experience the same anger, sadness, guilt, and shame repeatedly, trapping ourselves in a vicious cycle.
Research shows that rumination intensifies negative emotions and self-criticism, impeding effective problem-solving. By incessantly focusing on negative thoughts and emotions, we struggle to accept the situation and forgive ourselves.
Do You Magnify Negative Situations?
The cognitive bias known as “Magnification” refers to our tendency to amplify or exaggerate the negative importance or consequences of personal traits, events, or circumstances. Specifically, some individuals have a habit of magnifying negative situations, resulting in considering their mistakes as colossal, making self-forgiveness seem impossible.
Consequently, the more we magnify the significance of our mistakes, the stronger the negative emotions become… making it increasingly difficult to forgive ourselves.
Do You Create “Should” Statements?
Another cognitive bias that hinders self-forgiveness is the “Should Statements.” Many of us have a pattern of imposing expectations or demands on ourselves, measuring our success based on these self-imposed standards.
For example, we might think, “I should not have done this,” “This is not how it should be,” or “I should not make mistakes.” However, these statements are not always realistic. Since we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, we tend to perceive ourselves as failures whenever we fall short.
Consequently, we struggle to forgive ourselves for not living up to these unrealistic standards and feel inadequate for not meeting who we think we “should” be.
Do You Think of Your Mistakes in Black & White?
The last cognitive bias we would like to mention is “Dichotomous/Black-and-White Thinking.” According to Beck, this thinking pattern involves categorizing all experiences into either positive or negative, good or bad, without recognizing the continuum on which individuals, others, and experiences exist.
For example, after making a mistake, we might believe that we have completely messed up every aspect of our lives, feeling as if there is no goodness left within us. We see ourselves as either exceptionally good or horribly bad, failing to recognize our capacity as whole individuals capable of both positive and negative actions.
This way of thinking makes self-forgiveness extremely challenging, as we perceive our mistake as so terrible that nothing could rectify it.
Self-compassion comprises three components:
Component 1: Self-Kindness
Instead of engaging in self-judgment, adopt a caring attitude toward your failures. When faced with potential mistakes, consider how you would respond to your best friend, your future child, or how you would want your parents to address the situation. Replace your inner critic with a realistic and kind inner self-talk that challenges negative cognitive biases.
Component 2: Common Humanity
Recognize that making mistakes is a fundamental part of being human, and your suffering is shared by others. Accept your flaws, shortcomings, and negative events as an integral part of yourself. Acknowledge your imperfections, seek understanding from your mistakes, and approach yourself with kindness.
Component 3: Mindfulness
Cultivate mindfulness, which involves being present in the moment, observing your experiences without judgment or attempts to alter them. Mindfulness allows you to accept the situation and detach from painful emotions. Techniques like focusing on your breath, observing tangible items in your surroundings, or engaging in meditation can facilitate mindfulness.
Next Steps
Identifying and acknowledging negative thoughts and cognitive biases is crucial for self-forgiveness. Consider journaling to recognize these thoughts and inner self-talk patterns.
If you struggle to identify your thoughts directly, allow your feelings to guide you. Whenever you experience discomfort, inquire about the thoughts accompanying those emotions. Once you’ve identified critical or negative thoughts, challenge them by writing down compassionate and realistic responses.
For example, rather than berating yourself with “I should not have made this mistake,” recognize that as a human being, mistakes happen. Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience.
Self-forgiveness is a journey filled with ups and downs, but taking the first step is crucial. It’s important to recognize when professional help may be necessary. A psychotherapist can assist you in identifying your thoughts, navigating difficult emotions, accepting your experiences, and processing any trauma.
If you are dealing with negative self-talk, our team can help. We can offer you effective and promising techniques to support you along the way. Please call or text us, Clear Mind Therapy, at (720) 515-3551.